


A Mind Is A Terrible Thing to Face

by TheBetterAngelsOfOurNature



Series: Patience of a Saint [4]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: F/M, Honestly I like Irma, Just look at how she treats Kent, Memory Den, Mind Meld, Pun Title is not funny, Pun title, Sassy Kellogg, Sassy Nick Valentine, Sassy Sole Survivor, She's motherly, Sunset Sarsaparillia-pissing bastard, Terms Coined:, Trust, Trust-Defining Moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-26 14:57:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9907748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBetterAngelsOfOurNature/pseuds/TheBetterAngelsOfOurNature
Summary: Free your mind.A last-ditch attempt to find her son leads Eliza and her synthetic compatriot into the mind of a murderer. The otherworldly experience will heal wounds... and maybe leave scars.





	1. Returning to the Den

**Author's Note:**

> Will have chapters! At least three! Updating kind of slowly as the semester waxes. Assignments pile up, and there's only so much procrasti-writing I can do before I actually have to complete my homework. Yikes.

When I walked into Goodneighbor the second time, no one tried to sell me insurance. The guards kept a watchful eye on me as Nick and I walked around the state house to the Memory Den.

“Goodneighbor,” Nick muttered, “the lowest place in the Commonwealth. Everything that's not nailed down rolls through here at one point.”

I looked up at the state house. “And Hancock's the big cheese, huh?”

“You've met? My apologies,” Nick growled.

“You don't like him?”

“No, no. I think he's a better man than he lets on. It's just... his history with dames isn't the cleanest.”

I blinked before realizing that I was included in the “dames” group. I tried not to laugh. “Well, I don't know if I told you this, Nick, but I introduced myself to Goodneighbor by killing a man at the front gate.”

Nick's eyebrows raised.

“He was threatening to rob me or I'd get killed,” I said, “so I reacted in kind. Hancock just made it clear that he was in charge, and that was that.”

“He's right about that,” said Nick, “if about anything. Nothing happens in this town without Hancock hearing about it.”

“Think he knows we're here?”

“Count on it.” Nick opened the door to the Memory Den and allowed me to pass through.

As we walked in, Nick took the lead; I didn't mind. The last time I'd come in here... I shuddered. _Don't think about it._

“Mister Valentine,” Irma said slyly, “I thought you had forgotten about little ol' me.”

Nick chuckled, “May have walked outta the Den, Irma, but I'd never walk out on –”

“Eliza! Oh honey,” Irma cried, completely interrupting Nick, “I've been worried sick!”

My eyes flew open as Irma raced from her chaise lounge to hug me. I froze for a second, then patted her awkwardly. I hadn't had a hug in two hundred years, and it definitely felt like it.

She pressed her cold palms to my cheeks. “Oh I knew you'd find Nick! Have you found your baby yet? I just kept thinking about the last time you came in and it's just so awful, I could barely sleep or eat or anything! Oh tell me you've found him!”

I slid her hands off my face. “Not yet, but that's why we're here. We've reached a dead end, and Dr. Amari might be the only person who can help us.”

“Of course.” Irma pulled me into another rib-cracking hug. “Oh I hope you find him, I really do.”

When I finally extricated myself from her arms, my cheeks were burning red. Nick led me to a flight of stairs. As we descended, he gave me a sideways look.

“Sorry,” I said immediately, trying to ignore the heat in my cheeks.

Nick snorted a laugh, which just made my cheeks burn more. I took a deep breath and turned the corner into the clinical white light. Two memory machines, plus countless other computer tech, stood in this room. A woman in a white lab coat was bent over typing something on a terminal. She spun about in her chair and saw us.

“Ah, Mister Valentine.” She stood up and shook his good hand briskly. “I trust this isn't a social visit?”

“We need your help, Doctor Amari,” I said hesitantly.

“Ah,” she said again, “ah. I remember you. Vault 111, correct?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Well, what's this all about?” The doctor crossed her arms.

“Like I said, we need your help. The man who kidnapped my son gave him to the Institute,” I explained, “and we need to find out how he got in. The tricky part is, he's... dead.”

“What?” Doctor Amari's eyes widened. “Putting aside the fact that you're asking me to defile a corpse, you do realize that the memory scanners need intact, _living brains_ , to function!”

“Please,” I begged, “Nick tells me you're the only person who can make this work.”

“This brain had inside knowledge of the Institute, Amari. The biggest scientific mystery in the Commonwealth.” Nick squared his shoulders confidently. “You need this, and so do we.”

“Alright.” Doctor Amari sighed. “I'll do my best. Do you... have it with you?”

“This was all I could find.” I dropped the cybernetic implant into her hands.

She squinted at it. “What's this? This isn't a brain. Wait, this is the hippocampus. And this thing attached to it? Some kind of machine?”

Nick shifted uneasily. “Those circuits look awfully familiar.”

I looked at Nick. His eyes were locked onto the circuitry on the implant. It took me a moment before I realized that he was talking about himself. The circuits were nearly identical to Nick's.

“I'm not surprised,” Doctor Amari continued, “all Institute work has similar architecture.”

“So the brain's still good, right?” I clenched my fists, desperately hoping.

“Yes, it appears to be fine. The implant seems to be injecting some kind of compound to keep the tissue stable. All we need is a port.”

“You're talking about me, right?” Nick's voice was confident. “I'm an old synth. I'm compatible.”

Doctor Amari and I paled simultaneously.

“It would be extremely dangerous,” Doctor Amari warned, “and there's no telling what kind of long-term damage might occur. Perhaps irreversible. I cannot even begin to list the risks.”

“Don't bother.” Nick gave her half a smile. “I don't need to hear them.”

“But...” I looked at Amari. “Is there another way?”

“We don't have time for another way,” said Nick, “and I'm not about to risk your son's life to find one.”

I grasped his shoulder firmly. “Hey,” I said.

Nick's golden eyes locked onto mine. I squeezed his shoulder, desperately trying to convey what this meant to me.

“Thank you,” I said.

He slid his hand onto my shoulder and tipped his hat. “You can thank me after we've found your son.”

Nick turned and sat in a chair. Doctor Amari walked up behind him, tilted his fedora forwards, and started plugging things in.

As she was working, Nick said, “If I start cackling like an old grizzled mercenary, pull me out, okay?”

There was no way I could make fun of the situation at hand. I grasped my hands together and squeezed until my fingers went numb. Finally, Doctor Amari tapped Nick on the shoulder.

“Alright, it's in. I need you to keep talking to me, Mister Valentine. Any change in your cognitive functions could be dire.”

“It's, it's just a bunch of static.” Nick's face was screwed up in pain. “I can't make sense of it, doc.”

My mind started racing so fast that I couldn't even speak. Instead I gripped Nick's good hand; much to my surprise, he gripped it back. Doctor Amari leaned back from working on him.

“Just as I suspected.” She sighed. “The memories are encoded. It seems the Institute has one last failsafe.”

“Is Nick alright?” My head snapped up.

“Yes, the connection appears to be stable. When we're done, it should be a simple matter of unplugging the implant.” Doctor Amari stared off into the middle distance. “That doesn't solve the problem at hand, though... the encoding is too strong for just one mind to crack.”

“If you need a cracked mind, Doctor, I've got one ready.” I said firmly. “Plug me in.”

Nick chuckled. “She's right about the crack, Amari. Never met a crazier dame.”

“That's not a half-bad idea.” Doctor Amari smiled. “Too strong for one mind, so we use two. We could upload both you and Mister Valentine into the memory scanners and run the sessions simultaneously.”

“Worth a shot.” I stood up, letting my hand slip out of Nick's.

“Again,” Doctor Amari warned, “I cannot tell you if this will work.”

Nick and I didn't pay that any mind. He stood and tipped his hat at me.

“See you on the other side,” he said.

I locked eyes with him and nodded. Something in my veins was pounding; adrenaline, fear, determination, something. Nick paused a second when we locked eyes, then passed me. I crawled into the memory scanner. The last time I was in here I – _shut up, shut up. Nick just risked his life. You're afraid? He could die. This isn't about you. This is about Shaun._

“Are you two ready?” Doctor Amari's voice come on over the loudspeaker.

“Just one more question, doc,” Nick asked, “am I gonna get frostbite from being in that frozen gourd of hers?”

I laughed. “Yeah, Doctor Amari? I'm not going to see Nick in any... compromising positions, am I?”

Nick's voice echoed back. “If a smart mouth was all it took, we'd have found your son by now.”

“Oh hush both of you,” Doctor Amari snapped, “I cannot believe you're making light of this.”

I grinned. “Sorry, doctor. Go ahead.”

“Alright, the connection appears to be stable. Ah, a memory appears to be intact. Making the connection now...”

 

It was dark, and I wasn't... I wasn't _I_.

I was Conrad Kellogg, relentless mercenary, merciless killer, and hitman for the Institute.

I was Nick Valentine, Synth detective, living with a head full of memories belonging to a dead man.

I was Elizabeth Saint, wife, mother of one, lost without my family and determined to find them.

I was _we_.

 


	2. We, Myself, and I

 

We looked around in the dark. We were standing on... on what looked like... _A brain cell, Eliza and Nick's minds offered. A neuron. They connect to each other._ We walked along it to what looked like a room. A boy sat on his bed; a woman, _his mother, Kellogg said,_ was sitting on a chair next to the bed. We walked into the memory. A radio was playing, announcing the formation of the NCR. _Useless, Kellogg said._

“What a bunch of useless twaddle,” _his, our_ mother said, echoing his thought.

“The teacher at school said that the NCR was going to bring back the good ol' days, like before the war.” The boy, _Kellogg, I,_ said.

“Nonsense.” The woman, _Mom_ , glared at the radio. “I'm going to stop sending you there if that's what they're teaching you.”

 _Mom, Kellogg offered. She wasn't soft, but she loved me, in her way. She was tough, and she protected me from dad. That cost her more than a few beatings._ That stirred up a reaction in us; pity, some slight, some deep, some guilty, but pity for this woman. We pitied her. A loud, drunken voice echoed through the memory.

“I'm going out! Where the fuck did you put my boots!”

 _The father, Dad,_ we thought.

“Here, Connie.” The woman, _Mom_ , handed the boy, _Kellogg,_ _me,_ a pistol. “It's about time you learned how to use this. You're the man of the house now. Your father's useless, but you won't turn out like him. You're a good boy. And all that on the radio? Useless talk. The only thing in the world that's going to protect you is that gun in your hand. It's time you learned to use it.”

“I will, Mom.” The boy, _Kellogg, I,_ said.

“This doesn't seem to be the memory we're looking for.” Doctor Amari's voice cut through the memory. We stood for a moment before remembering exactly where we were. Another link of neurons appeared, carrying us on.

The next memory was in a kitchen. A man wearing a leather jacket, _Kellogg, I,_ was cutting carrots. A woman, _Sarah_ , was washing dishes in the sink.

We shifted uneasily. _He had a wife, Eliza wondered._

_Even monsters have soulmates, Nick said._

_I was the worst damn thing that ever happened to her, Kellogg said. If she hadn't met me, she'd have stayed in the Hub, maybe hooked up with someone who didn't kill people for a living..._

“I don't know, Connie, I just... are you sure we're gonna be okay here? These guys act a little... green.” She turned and looked at the man, _Kellogg, me_.

“I know, but that's where I come in.”

We walked past the memory ghosts. There was a crib. Immediately we felt a reaction.

_Oh shit, Nick said._

_Eliza's emotions were a mix of shock, pity, and wonder. What happened to her, she asked._

We didn't have an answer; at least, not one we could say.

_Whatever made me think, Kellogg chuckled, that a guy like me should have a daughter? No, I.. I never deserved her. Not for one second._

We walked out of the memory, pacing along the neurons.

_Nick-_

_Eliza, don't. You might break the simulation._

_But... what happened to the girl, Nick?_

_Wait and see,_ we thought.

The neurons connected to a hallway. A man, Kellogg, I, was pacing along. He was padded up with heavy-duty armor and held an assuault rifle in his hands.

_What happened to the pistol, Eliza wondered._

_Gave it to Sarah, Kellogg said. Didn't save her._

_Damn, Nick said, Just... damn._

The man ran down the hallway as a snide voice echoed through the memory.

“Did you think you could fuck with us, and we wouldn't fuck back? Just so you know, they died like dogs. And you, you weren't there to save them!”

The man, Kellogg, I, burst through the door at the end of the hallway, ready for a fight he'd never get to finish. We watched him angrily search for someone, anyone to kill.

 _So that's what happened to her,_ we thought with mixed emotions.

The neurons linked us to a bar. We looked around, looked at the older man, _Kellogg, me,_ sitting at the table, and we knew exactly where this was going.

_Standard procedure for a merc, Nick thought, go find a place where people's judgment is low and wait for the heads to start rolling._

_They killed the baby, Nick, Eliza whispered, I can't... that's awful._

Kellogg, _I, he, we,_ felt bored with this memory. _Nothing special. The bars all run together._

So, we continued on. Finally the neurons connected to a room containing four standing synths,a woman in a lab coat who sat behind a desk, and _Kellogg, me_.

We looked at the synths with mixed emotions. Eliza's curiosity, Nick's sympathy, and Kellogg's unease.

_The synths always creeped me out, he said, but you have to get used to working with them if you work for the Institute. The early models weren't much to look at, but the Institute could always make more, and kept making them better each time. What they couldn't do was operate on the surface; that's where I came in._

The woman in the lab coat commanded the synths to attack; _Kellogg, I,_ quickly dispatched them with ease.

“Impressive,” the woman said.

_Not bad, Nick admitted._

Eliza, _I, she, we,_ wanted to slap the woman. _Fight him yourself, you stupid ego-maniacal God-complex sociopathic science-hermits._

We, _Kellogg, Nick,_ paused, jointly amused.

_Just saying, Eliza said._

“At last we appear to be getting somewhere,” Doctor Amari said with relief, “I'm connecting you to the next memory.”

We followed the link of neurons.

_You're saying this is what my brain was made of, Kellogg asked, these web string... things._

_Everyone's brain is made of neurons, Eliza said._

_Speak for yourselves, Nick said._

_Sorry, Nick._

_I'm not, Kellogg added. You're a machine for fuck's sake._

We paused as we, Eliza, Nick, had a surge of anger. Our vision flickered.

“Stay in that simulation, you two! Don't cause dissonance or the consequences could be extremely perilous!” Doctor Amari's voice echoed all around us.

_Touchy, touchy, Kellogg said._

We walked on. The next memory appeared, a long dark hallway lined on both sides with pods.

_No, Eliza said, oh, God no._

_Oh yes, Kellogg said. Let's revisit this, shall we?_

_What, Nick asked, what's this?_

We walked forwards into the darkness. Two people in cleanroom suits were tapping away at a terminal.

_Vault 111, Eliza said._

_Welcome back, Kellogg replied._

Our vision shook slightly, but steadied itself. We walked along the line of cryo pods.

 _This is your Vault, Eliza? Nick asked_.

We paused in front of the last pod on the right and stared through the glass at Eliza's, _her, my,_ face. Eyes wide, blinking off the frost from _her, my_  eyelashes, confused and disoriented.

_And helpless, Kellogg added._

_Not helpless then, Nick said, and never helpless since._

_Thanks, Nick, but he's right. I couldn't do a thing. I... I tried._

We turned around to watch Kellogg, me, open the cryogenic pod.

“Is it... is it over? Are we okay?” The man in the pod coughed out frost. He had a chiseled nose, clear eyes, and a handsome face. We cringed as Eliza's pain swelled up.

_We don't have to watch, Nick assured her._

_Why not? It was a clean kill, Kellogg said. Better this way. Better than taking his son and leaving him alive._

_You dirty Sunset Sarsaparilla-pissing bastard---_

_It's okay, Nick._ Eliza's voice was small within us. _I've seen this before. At least he went fast. At least now, I know what's going to happen, and I can say goodbye._

We didn't look away. Not as Kellogg, I, raised the pistol. Not as the deafening bang echoed like a cannon. Not as the man's, Nate's, head whipped back and blood seeped from his nose.

_Goodbye, honey, Eliza said, I promise I'll find our son._

_Eliza, Nick said, his voice deeply pained._

_Sweet, Kellogg said mockingly._

We expected more anger, but instead, Eliza felt amused.

_What are you laughing at, she chuckled, I blew your head to pieces. You popped open like a ripe melon. Nate, bless his soul, died with dignity protecting his son. You got your noggin blown off by a pre-War lawyer, for heaven's sake. You know how many combat situations I'd been in before I popped out of that ice cube tray? Zero. You had a better gun, better training, and every chance to off me. But your arrogance and conceit got the better of you, didn't it? I was on ice for two hundred years; you'll be on ice for the rest of time._

_Killing me could have cost you your son, Kellogg snapped back._

_But it didn't, did it, Kellogg? Eliza said. There's still more of your memories to hijack, you sadistic little radroach. And you can't do much more than throw a tantrum._

We stood in silence, watching the door. Another link of neurons was already forming.

_At least I know you're gonna kill those Institute bastards, Kellogg sighed. If you killed me... they won't be able to hide from you for long._

_No, they won't, said Nick. There's no place in the world they can hide him that we won't find._

We walked along, buoyed by _Nick, Eliza, their, our,_ confidence. The neurons snaked into a familiar house. A boy was sitting on the ground reading a Robco magazine. He had the same bright, clear eyes, upturned chin, and soft smile.

 _Shaun_ , we thought.

_He looks just like you, Nick marveled._

_No, Eliza said, no. He'll look like Nate, you watch. He looks like how Nate used to in childhood photos. He'll be his father's spitting image._

_You both make me want to come back alive just so I can kill myself, Kellogg said. So pathetic. You're fawning over a memory._

Kellogg, _I,_ was sitting in the memory, leaned back and checking his pistol. Shaun turned a page of his magazine, and suddenly a man in a dark suit with dark skin appeared.

_X6-88, Kellogg said. Courser. Trained to kill. Faster, stronger, and smarter than any real human. I was always glad they were on my side._

_He doesn't look so tough, Nick said._

_He's right there, Eliza said, Shaun's alive. He's... he's ten._

“You know,” Kellogg, I, said, breaking our train of thought, “you keep sneaking up on me and you're gonna get shot.”

“Minimizing my exposure to civilians is a necessity.” The courser's voice was flat.

“Yeah, I know. Forget I said anything.” Kellogg, I, stood. “New assignment?”

“Yes. You are to track down a rogue scientist. His name is Brian Virgil. We believe him to be somewhere in the Glowing Sea.”

“Capture or elimination?”

“Elimination.”

“One of the top bioscience boys?” Kellogg read through the file the Courser handed him. “Some heads gonna roll for this. Guess that means you'll be taking the boy back, huh?”

_Me and the kid, Kellogg said, living in the city like a happy little family. I knew it was temporary, but... I ended up kinda liking it. A reminder of what could have been if things had turned out differently._

_I'm glad, Eliza said._

_What? Nick's Kellogg's, our, their, surprise spiked._

_I said, I'm glad. If Shaun was going to be anywhere, being in Diamond City is top on the list. And if you hadn't been with him, I'd never have found you._

_We were bait, Kellogg admitted, for our friend from the Vault._

_Plus, I'm glad he wasn't with someone who was going to hurt him, Eliza pointed out, I mean, they're not neglecting him. That's good._

_Are you saying you're glad they gave me your kid to watch, Kellogg asked incredulously._

_Not my first choice of babysitters, I'll admit. They should have given him to Nick._

_Me, Nick said, shocked. Why me?_

_You'd have plenty to talk about. You read Robco._

_I do not._

_It's on your desk, Nick. And you're not a sociopathic murdering mercenary. That's definitely preferable, Eliza added._

_He's a dirty fucking synth, Kellogg said._

_You're a dirty fucking merc, Nick snapped, and you're dead, so can it._

_Boys, boys, we're all equally dirty-looking, Eliza snapped, I'd like to focus on the task at hand._

The Courser had taken Shaun by the shoulder. He announced loudly, “X6-88, ready to relay with Shaun.”

“Bye, Mr. Kellogg!” Shaun waved.

“Bye,” Kellogg, _I,_ said.

 _Bye Shaun_ , we thought.

A bolt of blue lightning cracked through the middle of the memory, and they were gone.

 _Teleportation,_ we thought.

“Of course!” Doctor Amari's voice boomed through the memory again. “That's why no one has found the entrance to the Institute! There is no entrance!”

_Bingo, said Kellogg._

“Relaying you two out! Alright, here we go...”

We looked at the television as it began to flicker to life.

_That's our ticket out, Nick?_

_Guess so, Nick replied._

_You two have no idea what you're in for, Kellogg said._

_We'll handle it together, Nick said, just like how we handled you._

_You're really going to trust that Institute prop, Kellogg asked._

_Wholly and unconditionally._

We had mixed emotions about that. The television flickered on, revealing the screen of the memory scanner.

_Good bye Kellogg, Nick said in relief, and good-riddance._

_I forgive you for murdering my husband, Eliza said, but I'm not sorry you're dead._

_If you forgive me, you must not have loved him._

_I did love him. That's why I can forgive you._

Suddenly our vision, _my vision,_ began to fade to a bright white.

_But Nick's right; you're still a dirty Sunset Sarsaparilla-pissing bastard._

The last thing I heard was Kellogg's laugh; then, the world went white.

 


	3. Leaving Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Nick has the impressions of Kellogg, who picked up the impressions of Nick?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter is very short! I was always confused by Nick talking like Kellogg, and part of me wonders if he faked it to see if the Sole Survivor really trusted him... but part of me doesn't think Nick would manipulate Sole like that.

The glass dome of the memory scanner rose up, and I rolled out of the seat and onto the floor. My stomach felt like I'd just done a triple loop on a roller coaster, and my vision swam.

“Urgh...” I fought the urge to vomit. “Oh, gracious, that was awful...”

“Whoa, slow down.” Doctor Amari helped me up. “No one's ever done that before. I don't know what side effects might occur.”

“We... I mean, I... urgh, my head,” I groaned.

“Are you ready to talk about what happened?”

“Yeah... Kellogg...he was searching for a man, a rogue scientist,” I said, “who... abandoned the Institute?”

“I didn't even know Institute scientists could defect.” Doctor Amari's fingers linked together. “This changes everything. He could answer all sorts of questions. Where did it say he was?”

“The Glowing Sea,” I said.

“That doesn't make any sense,” said Doctor Amari, “no one goes there, not even to hide.”

“That's why it'd be perfect. The Institute expects him to run to safety, not to an even greater danger.”

“Of course!” Doctor Amari's face lit up. “He's using the radiation as a kind of shield! Well, if you're going there, you're going to need some protection.”

I nodded. “I'll figure it out. Where's Nick?”

“I unplugged Mister Valentine first. He's upstairs.”

I tore up the stairs. I had nearly vomited; I could only imagine what that had felt like to Nick. I could remember the feeling of being merged with his mind; it was so alien, yet comforting. Kellogg, on the other hand, had been like being dropped into a bathtub full of chilled piss.

Nick was sitting on a chair by the exit. I walked up to him, relieved. He lifted his eyes, grinned, and said, “ _Hope you found what you were lookin' for in my head. Heh. You were right; I should have killed you when I had the chance_.”

His voice was Kellogg's, but gravelly and distant, like a recording. My eyes snapped wide. _Oh God, he's killed Nick._

“If you hurt him I swear to God I'll kill you all over again!”

“What?” Nick blinked, his voice returning to its usual low timbre. “What are you talking about?”

“You... you talked like Kellogg just then.” I sat down next to him. “Nick, are you alright?”

“I did?” Nick's eyebrows came together slightly. “Hm. Amari said there might be some mnemonic impressions left over. Anyway, I feel fine.”

“Doctor Amari checked you out. You're certain that you feel fine,” I said slowly.

“Yes, Saint, that's what I said.” He glared at me. “Now, down to business. If that scientist really is in the Glowing Sea, then we've got a problem. Radiation doesn't bother me, but you're going to need some help. An old suit of power armor might just be the guardian angel you're looking for.”

I grinned. “Why would I need another guardian angel, I've got you.”

As Nick went to light a cigarette, his metal fingers slipped on the lighter. “Erm... so... so, we heading out or what?”

I glanced at the back of his head, where Amari had installed the implant. _He could be broken,_ a traitorous voice in my head seemed to whisper, _or worse, the Institute could be spying on you. Kellogg could pop right up and shoot you in the back the second you turn away._

My fingers dug into my sack for a lighter, and I pulled out a cigarette. _I need a smoke before I start making any rash decisions_. I was just about to light it when I realized... I'd never smoked a cigarette in my life. My heartbeat sounded in my ears as I slowly put down the cigarette, my eyes wide.

“What's the matter, Saint?”

“I don't smoke,” I whispered, “you smoke.”

“And?” Nick looked at the cigarette I was holding. “Oh... _oh_.”

“Mnemonic impressions, huh?” My face felt cold; I'm sure I was as pale as a sheet of snow.

Nick shifted uncomfortably. “You want Amari to check you out?”

“No, I'm sure I'm fine, I just...” I shook my head like a dog trying to rid itself of water. “If you're okay, then I'm okay. I'm sure mnemonic impressions don't last. We'll both be fine.”

He looked a little uneasy, but nodded. “So we are heading out then?”

“Of course.”

“Good.” Nick smiled. “Let's see where the trail takes us.”

I stood up and re-pocketed the lighter, then handed Nick the cigarettes.

“Better keep these away from me until we know this wears off,” I said, “because I really don't smoke and I don't want to start.”

Nick took the cigarettes. “Gotcha.”

He opened the door for me, and we were back on Goodneighbor streets. It was night; the neon signs burned in the darkness, and the guard's long shadows were cast across the sidewalk. I took a deep breath, then hoisted my pack over one shoulder. Power armor. I had a suit back in Sanctuary, but it was hardly the best, and definitely not in tip-top shape. There were definitely a couple holes in it from .38 bullets, not to mention the huge tear in the chest piece from the deathclaw in Concord... I sighed. _I'll just have to patch it up._

I turned the corner into a shop. An Assaultron was standing behind the counter. That was new. I went up to her and cleared my throat.

“I've got a weapon here for every occasion,” she said, “hunting, defense, cold-blooded murder... Hot-blooded murder.”

I swallowed. “Sure, let's... see what you have.”

The Assaultron, KLE-0, had plenty to choose from. I traded what I could and walked out with plenty of 10 mm bullets. I was so busy reloading that I bumped into someone.

“Oh, I'm so sorry!” I cringed. “That's my fault, my apologies.”

“No big,” the man with the sunglasses said in a smooth voice, a big grin on his face, “I'm still breathing.”

I apologized again anyway. Nick was sitting on a bench, smoking; I sat down next to him and dropped some ammunition in his lap.

“What's this?” He sat up, confused.

“You're out of 5mm, right? For that mini-gun we got up in Station Olivia?”

Nick stared at me. “You... you sure you want me armed with a... Really?”

I snorted. “You've seen my aim. It's safer in your hands than it is in mine.”

He took the ammunition and pocketed it, then stared at the ground, flicking a lit cigarette up and down in his mouth.

“You really do trust me,” he said.

“Why wouldn't I? You're the nicest person I've met so far.” I took out a roll of duct tape and patched a small hole in my Vault suit. “Not to mention you just risked everything to help me. Of course I trust you, I told you that in Diamond City.”

“I guess I'm just not used to that level of faith,” he said, “I mean, that's a lot of trust to put on one synth's shoulders.”

“You scared, Valentine?”

He took a draw from his cigarette, letting the smoke curl out of the hole in his neck.

“A little,” he admitted.

“Well, don't be. You've already gone way above the call of duty and I'm grateful.” I tucked away my duct tape, then smiled at him.

“Don't thank me until the job's done,” he warned.

“I understand.” I stood up and stretched. “Alright, back to Sanctuary for me. Do you want to come, or should I head your way after I patch up my armor?”

“Your choice,” he said.

“That's not an answer.”

“It's the only one I'm givin' ya.” Nick grinned.

I closed my eyes. “Fine. We'll head back to Diamond City, I'll hand you over to Ellie, and she can maybe squeeze some work out of you while I go strip the lead out of pencils.”

Nick stood. “Gonna need a hell of a lot of pencils, Saint.”

I sighed as we left Goodneighbor, letting the door swing shut behind us. “Yeah... I'm not looking forwards to having to find all this junk.”

That made him laugh. “Are you kidding? With all the useless scrap you pick up?”

“I don't pick up anything useless!”

“Plastic forks.”

“We've got to have something to eat with.”

“Broken light bulbs.”

“Half the time, the filament is still good.”

“Nuka-Cola bottles.”

“If you run that other filament through them, they make great lightbulbs.”

We walked over a pile of junk and dropped down onto the street. A feral ghoul stirred; I quickly shot it before it could fully crawl out. Nick was grinning now.

“Are you laughing at me, Valentine?”

“Never,” he said.

“Then what's funny?”

“Nothing's useless to you, is it?” He chuckled. “You could turn desk fans into an airplane.”

I stopped. “Do you... do you think that'd really work?”

Nick started laughing. “No!”

“Oh.” My cheeks turned red. “But... Well, I guess I don't know anything about aerodynamics or aerial engineering.”

Nick chuckled as we walked along. “You can't do everything, Eliza.”

“I can,” I said, “but it just takes a really long time and a lot of junk.”

“You're a born Minuteman, then.” Nick shot two feral mongrels that were sniffing around a garbage can. “Garvey's lucky to have you as the General.”

“Oh, I nearly forgot about that... he'll probably want me to take care of another settlement when I get back. Well, hey,” I said, “at least there's a chance one of these settlements might have a big ol' stash of pencils.”

“Sure, doll,” Nick said cynically, “and a full set of X-01 power armor in the back.”

“You say that like it's a joke, but it could happen.”

“If it does,” he grumbled, “I'll eat my hat.”

“Oh, please don't.” I looked at his fedora admiringly. “I like your hat.”

“If you really like it, take the job.” Nick tipped his fedora at me. “Get yourself one just like it.”

“The job?” I blinked. “Oh, the one Ellie offered.”

“We offered,” Nick corrected. “Wouldn't mind having a mind like yours minding me.”

My cheeks warmed. “Wouldn't mind minding you, it's just...”

“What is it?”

“Shaun comes first,” I confessed, “and I'm still apparently a General. But... I'll give it some thought, Nick. I'd really like to be back in the field of law. Granted, this is more like law _enforcement_ , but at least it's still justice.”

“Good to hear.” Nick smiled slightly. “Damn good to hear.”

After a moment, I asked, “Nick, do you really think I could be a good detective?”

“Could be? Saint, you're already practically a badge.”

Nick came up behind me and bumped my shoulder, then grinned at me as we walked side-by-side.

“All you're missing is the hat.”


	4. Bonus Chapter: Dead Men Still Tell Tales

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events after Chapter Two as experienced from Nick's perspective. Which now, funnily enough, involves Kellogg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this as an additional thing just so I could figure out how Nick would react to the amount of trust Eliza gives him, and it turned into kind of a lengthy deal. I *never* write from Nick's perspective so I can't actually say that this is going to be very accurate to his character. His voice is just so distinct that it can be hard to imitate, and even harder to get to resonate within imagined dialogue. But I wrote it and I feel pretty good about this work in particular (thanks bananasaurus) so, you know what, here it is. Here's hoping that I did an alright job, and if I didn't, at least I have the opportunity to receive critique which will help me improve.

 

**< Error: foreign memory drive detected. Ejecting foreign memory drive.>**

“Alright Mr. Valentine, let's take this terrible thing out.”

**< Foreign memory drive removed. Activating primary cognitive processors.>**

I felt my hands hit the ground before my ocular processors could register light. In a flash of a second, I ran a diagnostic. _I'm kneeling, my hands are flat on the ground, I'm staring at the floor. I've fallen out of the memory scanner._

“Mister Valentine?” Amari's shoes appeared in front of my vision. “Are you... are you alright?”

“Just dandy, doc,” I said.

I tried to stand up, but my limb actuator hadn't rebooted; I slumped against the side of the memory scanner.

“You are definitely not alright,” Amari noticed.

“It'll just take a minute.” I looked over at Eliza. She was still in the memory scanner. “Shouldn't you let her out?”

“Her brain needs to process the transition more slowly,” Amari explained, “sort of like waking up. Snapping her out of it could be very dangerous.”

I tested my legs by walking over to her. I rapped on the glass.

“You awake, Saint?”

No response. I looked at Amari. “You sure she's alright?”

“I told you,” Amari said testily, “Miss Saint's awakening is going to take a little while. We don't all have the benefit of near-instantaneous reboots, Mister Valentine.”

“I'd trade it for sleep any day, Amari.” I walked over to her. “So... it worked.”

“It worked,” she admitted, “I must admit that. But to what end?”

“A happy one,” I said, “if I've got anything to do with it. That woman's been through hell, and I intend to make the Institute do the same.”

“Hm.” Amari looked at the pod in which Eliza lay. “Vault 111... What a horrible experience. What Vault-Tec did... it's inhumane.”

“Strange, isn't it?” I lit a cigarette. “To meet someone from before the War.”

“Strange, and humbling.” Amari sighed. “This life is reality to us; we make do. But to her... it must be a living nightmare. I don't know how she can stand it.”

“She's...tough,” I said, “I'll give her that much.”

“She's remarkable. To come so far, with no combat experience, no experience in the wastelands, and no way of knowing her son was even still alive.” Amari shook her head in amazement. “She took it all on faith.”

“And luck,” I chuckled.

“And luck,” Amari agreed.

I looked out the door. “You unplug her when she's ready; I'll wait upstairs.”

“Alright,” Amari said, “I'm sure she'll be up in just a moment.”

Passing by Amari, I started up the stairs. I was halfway up the first flight when it happened; a voice, loud, familiar, but frosted with static, whispered in my ear.

_You dirty Institute bastard._

If I had a heart, it would have stopped. I waited and listened for so long that I started to think I was hearing things. I ran a diagnostic.

**< deletion of foreign memory data ongoing. Processing... >**

“No,” I groaned out loud, “he can't still be here.”

 _You bet your nanofilament ass I'm still here._ His voice was quieter and had more static; he was being deleted, but not nearly fast enough. _I'm hoping to stay long enough to see your finale._

_Great, now I've got two dead men sitting in my head. Could you both get lost?_

Kellogg's only reply was, _She's going to shoot you dead. She knows she can't trust you. You can't even trust yourself._

I flicked my cigarette ashes at nothing in particular. _If you're trying to get under my skin, I should let you know: I don't have any._

His amusement tickled in my cognitive processors, and I frowned. I ran another diagnostic.

**< Processing...>**

_Impatient much?_

I ignored him, crossing past Irma and dropping into a seat at the door. Eliza would come up in a moment, I was sure, and by that time Kellogg's impression would be deleted.

 _Pretty thought,_ he replied, _but I think I'm going to be here for a while. Long enough for her to leave you buried in a ditch, anyway._

 _She's not going to kill me._ I took a drag from my cigarette. _You don't know Eliza._

 _You're right,_ he replied quietly, _she's just going to leave and do this by herself. Safer that way, for both of you. Neither of you can trust that the Institute's not watching her every move through your eyes._

I accidentally bit the end of my cigarette, slicing it in half. Grimacing, I stamped it out.

 _I seem to have hit a nerve,_ said Kellogg.

 _How can you,_ I snapped, _I don't have any._

 _You know she doesn't trust you,_ Kellogg mused, _or you know she knows you're dangerous. Which is it?_

I didn't reply. Another diagnostic.

**< Processing...>**

_It's both, isn't it?_ Kellogg's laugh, slick with static, reverberated between my ears. _You curious, robot man? You want to know if she trusts you?_

 _She trusts me._ I cringed; even to me, it sounded weak.

As if on cue, Eliza came bounding up the stairs. Her head snapped to the door, and her cool, clear eyes locked on me.

_If she really trusts you, she won't be afraid._

_Afraid of what?_ I kept stone-still as Eliza walked up.

_Afraid of this._

I could feel my body turn against me; my vocals, my thoughts, my face, all of it. I could feel my mouth widen into a grin, my vision snapped up onto Eliza's smiling, expectant face. The words tore out of my throat like a pack of feral ghouls; “ _Hope you found what you were lookin' for in my head. Heh. You were right; I should have killed you when I had the chance_.”

Her eyes widened like dinner plates, and my cognitive processors began to race. _Oh God, she thinks you've hacked me._

 _Have fun._ Kellogg's voice was barely a whisper.

I couldn't let her know that this was happening. She'd be frightened; she'd postpone the trip to the Glowing Sea. We didn't have that time to waste. Not for me. Her son was on the line.

Eliza's voice curled into a snarl. “If you hurt him I swear to God I'll kill you all over again!”

_I can't let her know._

“What?” I feigned ignorance. “What are you talking about?”

“You... you talked like Kellogg just then.” She sat down next to me, her eyes burning with concern that I didn't deserve. “Nick, are you alright?”

“I did? Hm. Amari said there might be some mnemonic impressions left over.” I tried to sound as dismissive as possible. “Anyway, I feel fine.”

“Doctor Amari checked you out. You're certain that you feel fine,” she said, clearly not believing me.

“Yes, Saint, that's what I said.” I snapped at her. _We don't have time for you to worry about me. We've got to move._ I tried to sound professional. “Now, down to business. If that scientist really is in the Glowing Sea, then we've got a problem. Radiation doesn't bother me, but you're going to need some help. An old suit of power armor might just be the guardian angel you're looking for.”

I started to light a cigarette when her lips pulled apart into a teasing grin. “Why would I need another guardian angel, I've got you.”

My fingers slipped on the lighter. _Damn._ I stammered, “Erm... so... so, we heading out or what?”

She stared at me. I stared back. _Please don't ask me to go see Amari. We don't have time. Virgil could be dead. This is our only lead. This is my one chance to pay you back for saving my damn life._ I ran another diagnostic.

**< Processing...>**

_Damn it all to hell._

Eliza's eyes had glassed over with thought. She pulled out a cigarette. I was just about to offer her a light when she paled. Her eyes widened, and she slowly put down the cigarette. _That's not good._

“What's the matter, Saint?”

“I don't smoke,” she whispered, “you smoke.”

“And?” I looked at the cigarette in her fingers, then at the one in my hand, and the pieces began to fit together.. “Oh... _oh_.”

“Mnemonic impressions, huh?” Eliza looked like a bloodbug had drained her.

 _Oh no,_ I thought, _just what she needs._ I knew what it was like to have Nick Valentine influencing your life; not an enviable position to be in. I didn't know what else to say except, “You want Amari to check you out?”

“No, I'm sure I'm fine, I just...” Eliza shook her head, sending her hair swinging like curtains. “If you're okay, then I'm okay. I'm sure mnemonic impressions don't last. We'll both be fine.”

 _Sure, doll. They don't last. I've just been running these diagnostics for fifteen minutes._ But that wasn't important; what was important was that we started moving.

 _Assuming she still wants to travel with you_. Kellogg's voice was nearly inaudible. _Why the hell would she? You're nothing but a danger to her. You're a useless secondhand copy of a cop. You're trash._

I felt the sensation of my stomach churning without actually having a stomach; one of Old Nick's memories superimposed on my emotions.

I looked at Eliza and nodded. “So we are heading out then?”

“Of course.”

The relief was nearly enough to wipe out my worry. _She still trusts me, at least enough to walk with her. Maybe not enough to put a loaded gun in my hands, but enough to walk with her._

“Good,” I said, “let's see where the trail takes us.”

She thrust a box of cigarettes towards me. I hesitated.

“Better keep these away from me until we know this wears off,” she said, “because I really don't smoke and I don't want to start.”

 _All the things that could kill her in the world, and she's afraid of Grey Tortoises._ I took the cigarettes. “Gotcha.”

I opened the door for her on our way out. The darkness seemed to sink into all the corners; it seemed to hover around the neon signs. It was a liquid kind of darkness, a slick transparent ink that shaded everything it touched. I glanced over at Eliza. She inhaled, yanked her backpack higher on her shoulder, and strolled out in front of me. Maybe it was the reflective rubberized coating of the Vault suit, or maybe it was the faint green of the Pip-Boy, but she seemed to part the liquid shadows like Moses parting the sea. I followed her, subtly marveling. _Amari was right. She's... It's a hell of a thing._

Eliza disappeared into Kill or Be Killed. I sat outside on a park bench, watching the people go by. The guards, the townsfolk, and... and that man wearing sunglasses. I watched him out of the corner of my eyes, and immediately he noticed. Instead of walking away, he looked directly at me and flashed a huge grin.

 _Cocky type, huh?_ I frowned. Goodneighbor was full of characters, but this guy was something else. He seemed to be waiting for something.

Eliza came out of the store. The man casually strolled out in front of her. She was looking down at her pistol, carefully loading bullets into a mag one by one. I almost called out to her to watch it, but I was too slow; she ran right into the man wearing sunglasses.

She stopped and apologized to him. I didn't eavesdrop, but I glanced at the man as he walked away. He moved fast, focused... _was he spying on Eliza?_

A metal box landed in my lap like a gallon drum, derailing my train of thought. I cringed, then sat up straight. She'd dropped a green box of ammunition on me.

“What's this?” I asked.

“You're out of 5mm, right? For that mini-gun we got up in Station Olivia?”

I stared. _So maybe she does trust me enough to put a loaded gun in my hands._

“You... you sure you want me armed with a... Really?”

“You've seen my aim. It's safer in your hands than it is in mine.”

I didn't know what else to do besides take the ammo. I leaned over, putting my elbows on my knees and staring at the brick floor. She'd armed me with a fully-stocked minigun. I'd talked in the voice of the man who murdered her husband, and she still wanted to take me into the most dangerous part of the Commonwealth. _Everyone she could tote around...but she wants me to watch her back. A synth. An Institute synth. A discarded prototype. Junk._ It was a hell of a thing.

“You really do trust me,” I said softly.

She put her foot up on the bench and started taping over a hole in her suit. “Why wouldn't I? You're the nicest person I've met so far. Not to mention you just risked everything to help me. Of course I trust you, I told you that in Diamond City.”

“I guess I'm just not used to that level of faith,” I admitted, “I mean, that's a lot of trust to put on one synth's shoulders.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You scared, Valentine?”

I didn't know what to say. I'd lied to her about Kellogg, and now... well, I felt awful about it. I stalled by taking a draw from my cigarette. I waited until every last wisp of smoke had escaped down my throat before opening my mouth again.

“A little,” I confessed.

She tossed the duct tape back into her bag and gave me a small smile. “Well, don't be. You've already gone way above the call of duty and I'm grateful.”

Everything she said was pouring hot guilt into my coolant. “Don't thank me until the job's done.”

“I understand.” She rolled her shoulders. “Alright, back to Sanctuary for me. Do you want to come, or should I head your way after I patch up my armor?”

“Your choice,” I said.

Eliza frowned. “That's not an answer.”

 _Oh no, this is your show. You call the shots, Saint._ I grinned. “It's the only one I'm givin' ya.”

“Fine.” Her eyes closed. “We'll head back to Diamond City, I'll hand you over to Ellie, and she can maybe squeeze some work out of you while I go strip the lead out of pencils.”

I stood up. “Gonna need a hell of a lot of pencils, Saint.”

We crossed to the door out of Goodneighbor. As we were walking out, she sighed, “Yeah... I'm not looking forwards to having to find all this junk.”

“Are you kidding?” I had to laugh. “With all the useless scrap you pick up?”

“I don't pick up anything useless,” she exclaimed, turning a little pink.

“Plastic forks.”

“We've got to have something to eat with.”

“Broken light bulbs.”

“Half the time, the filament is still good.”

“Nuka-Cola bottles.”

“If you run that other filament through them, they make great lightbulbs.”

 _What about the broken down prototype synth,_ I thought, _why do you keep him around?_

In the street, a feral ghoul started to crawl out from under a car. She snapped a bullet into its head before it made it half way out. She definitely didn't need me to protect her. Hell, she didn't need anyone. She just... I had no idea why she kept me around. _Maybe that was her shtick,_ I decided _, making useless scrap feel like it has a purpose. Giving pep talks to typewriters and running a rehabilitation program for beer bottles_. I couldn't help but grin.

“Are you laughing at me, Valentine?” She gave me a sideways look, her eyebrows knitting together slightly.

“Never,” I said.

“Then what's funny?”

“Nothing's useless to you, is it?” I chuckled. “You could turn desk fans into an airplane.”

She stopped and looked at me with excitement in her wide eyes. “Do you... do you think that'd really work?”

I started laughing out loud in the middle of the street. “No!”

“Oh. But...” She turned red. “Well, I guess I don't know anything about aerodynamics or aerial engineering.”

I chuckled. “You can't do everything, Eliza.”

“I can, but it just takes a really long time and a lot of junk.”

Two mongrel dogs lifted their ugly heads from a trash can; I popped a couple .38 rounds in them. “You're a born Minuteman, then. Garvey's lucky to have you as the General.”

“Oh, I nearly forgot about that... he'll probably want me to take care of another settlement when I get back.” Eliza sighed, then shrugged. “Well, hey, at least there's a chance one of these settlements might have a big ol' stash of pencils.”

“Sure, doll,” I said, “and a full set of X-01 power armor in the back.”

“You say that like it's a joke, but it could happen.”

“If it does,” I said, “I'll eat my hat.”

Eliza looked up at it with the kind of look women never gave me. “Oh, please don't. I like your hat.”

If I could have turned red, I would have. All I could think to do was tip my hat and say, “If you really like it, take the job. Get yourself one just like it.”

“The job?” Eliza blinked. “Oh, the one Ellie offered.”

“We offered,” I said. No way I was letting Ellie take credit for this one. “Wouldn't mind having a mind like yours minding me.”

She looked at the ground, her cheeks tinting red. “Wouldn't mind minding you, it's just...”

I tried not to sound worried. “What is it?”

“Shaun comes first, and I'm still apparently a General. But...” Eliza looked at me with a confident tilt to her chin. “I'll give it some thought, Nick. I'd really like to be back in the field of law. Granted, this is more like law _enforcement_ , but at least it's still justice.”

Again, the relief was nearly tangible. I said, “Good to hear. Damn good to hear.”

We walked along the road; I was always a few steps behind her, watching her back. I kept my head on a swivel, alert for any sign of trouble. I was so locked on that I nearly jumped when Eliza said, “Nick, do you really think I could be a good detective?”

“Could be?” I grinned. “Saint, you're already practically a badge.”

I nudged her shoulder and smiled at her, coming to walk by her side.

“All you're missing is the hat,” I joked.

She laughed, and the sound pealed off the alleyways. Something in my head buzzed.

**< Processing... deletion complete.>**

My shoulders sagged in relief.

_One dead man out; one more to go._

 


End file.
